1990

• First date.

December 1.

• Moved in together. (approximate)
• Dara loses job at Huntington Sanctuary in NY.
• Made decision to get married. (approximate)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1991

• Sometime during spring of this year, Dara goes ballistic after I tore off an old, holey, flannel shirt. Whatever it tripped off in her, I had never had anybody yell at me for so long and so loud. She was angry. She had me in tears.

May.

• Engagement Party (approximate)

June. • Moved into larger apartment. (approximate)
• After we moved into the new apartment, Dara comes home one night and tells me her therapist, Moira, told her she has homicidal tendencies.

June.

• We take out a $10,000 loan to help pay for the wedding. (approximate)

July.

• Dara gets job with North Suffolk Center Homebuilders, intervention in family domestic violence cases. (approximate)

August.

• Dara gets so angry at me she stabbed me with a pencil. The lead stuck in my arm. I think this happened after I came home late from work, Dara was watching a movie where Sean Penn was beating up on a woman. I was disgusted by the scene and reacted strongly at her tolerance for such violence.

October.

• Dara gets letter from her mother. On invitees “These people are well traveled and are sophisticated so you can imagine the impression it would leave if a reception is not well done.” Further, “I have a feeling that Larry coming from a big family and they not being as sophisticated, do not expect a lavish affair because they’re accustomed to this type of entertaining, however, YOU know both sides.”
• Dara writes a responding letter of indignation but sends it to her father instead of her mother. Largely taken from a draft that I wrote, it’s more bitter and ends with a lengthy handwritten note concluding “It makes me miss the mother I want and sores me at the mother I’ve got.”
• One cold, rainy evening, I was driving the CRX with Dara in the passenger seat. Dara had a grating habit of watching the tachometer and telling me when to shift from first to second, second to third, third to fourth and fourth to fifth gear. She would interrupt the conversation, turn the music down, anything she had to in order to make sure that she was giving the command on time. On the other hand, I would listen for the engine, uphill, downhill, straightaway, rolling shift and shifting from a stop. I had been driving for fifteen years like this. I had been asking Dara for a long time to stop nagging me about when to shift. At one point on Old Country Road, I got mad. Got out of the car. Started walking home. I had had it. If it weren’t so cold and rainy, I was soaked in less than five minutes, I would have gone home and called the whole thing off.

December 21.

• Wedding. Dara stares, stone faced, at me standing upon the alter during vows. I became so emotional, crying and trying to breath that I sound like Darth Vader.
• Honeymoon to Hawaii (two weeks).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1992

• Second week of Honeymoon spent with Dara's relatives in Hawaii (Japanese ancestry).

February (?)

• Began working a second job in a supermarket at night. I was putting in nearly 40 hours at my first job and at least 30-35 at the second.

April.

• First house hunting trip in Virginia Easter.
• Dara comes home with a rabbit. Purportedly a mini-flop-eared bunny. It grows to two feet long. Dara neglects cleaning the cage. I end up taking over feeding and cleaning up after it.

July.

• Note about taking inventory. One very old car, one broken computer, bills, a job and two friends.

August.

• A few notes on how I was helping my day company and what could be improved.

September.

• I lost primary employment, ASI.

October.

• Dara moved in with my parents. My brother was living downstairs at the time. Dara kept out of his way. But she got to know my Mom & Dad real well.
• I moved to Virginia. Rented a small apartment for a month. Began looking for a job. With a Bachelors degree but without technical skills or job experience behind me, I got a number of rejections on job offers.

November.

• Moved into a house that we had not yet closed on. Paid rent at $1,000 / month till closing in April 93.

December.

• I took my first course in preparation of federal tax returns.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1993

• Closed on Virginia house. This was a no-money-down mortgage that I got through my VA status.

April.

• I lose one job and pick up temp work at the local electric cooperative as a customer service rep. I pick up second job as hotel night clerk.

May.

• Dara graduates from Hofstra University. Quits North Suffolk. Moves to VA. Picks up job in local social services office, RACSB. Moonlights with emergency domestic violence services, an on-call position.

September.

• I take up H&R Block classes in Federal Taxation.

October 93

• In my spare time, I pick up a self-study course in database creation and use.
• Dara brings home Beastie. For two weeks, I beg her to bring the cat back. Dara refuses to listen.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1994

• I pick up second job with H&R Block in their electronic filing processing office. Still working occasional hotel night clerk shifts.

Spring.

• Started working with the Electric Cooperative in their Satellite TV division.

July.

• Offered to take teaching positions at H&R Block. Either, I started in fall of this year or next.

August.

• I got in a fender bender. It was my first accident. I was in too much of a rush.

September.

• Dara quits social service job and takes Executive Director position with Big Brothers Big Sisters.

September.

• I get my first internet email address.
• Our house was robbed. Nothing of value was in the house. The police said it was probably just kids in the neighborhood.

October.

• I start work with Intuit as temporary tech support for their professional tax product line.

November.

• Dara loses BBBS position. Difficult last weeks of pregnancy make it convenient.

December 16.

• Kirstin is born. Wrote an eleven page account of the birth. Dara totally edited it beyond what I remembered to be true. I thought about it but after her comments, I was not going to even try to get it published.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1995

• Finances are very tight. I work long hours, through April, then pick up more hotel night clerk shifts.
• Dara begins diary entries in anticipation of a child being born. “The financial zinger is coming from your Dad right now. He never got to focus on one career path and is floundering… By 35 a man’s career should be settled…for women it’s different.”

March.

• Dara leaves RASCB for an executive director position with BBBS.

April.

• Intuit takes me on full time in a sales capacity. I write a thank you note to a friend, half-joking but fully serious, I called it gruel. At over 500 words, it’s the perfect example of how I perceive life.

August.

• Intuit permanent tech support position opens up. Tooted my horn in 19950803 SelfREVIEW.DOC.

September.

• Kirstin getting more mobile. Dara picks up some of the night clerk shifts. We spent Christmas Eve in a very noisy hotel lobby right next to a very rowdy country bar.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1996

• Dara picks up work at Sears in their photography department.

June 96

• Letter to Kalen, “I want to do right by you and Kirstin both. I want you to enjoy each other and whatever other siblings I throw your way. Your Dad’s relationships with his brother and sisters are so special… Me and Maya are working towards putting a painful past to rest and I hope we’ll finally be sisters in the end.”

September 96

• Letter to Kalen “Since Kirstin’s birth my tolerance for other people’s problems has gone right out the window. My spark/zeal for mending broken hearts Has been on a 21-month long vacation… Everyone else seems to be doing so much more than me… I’m still a very haunted woman.”
• Trip to NY to see friends ends up in shambles as Kirstin gets sick. Dara and I initially agree on what to do, but after listening to non-medical advice from her New Paltz friends, the entire weekend turned to hell. Kirstin ended up in the hospital near my parent's home in NY. Dara stayed for a week while I went back to work in Virginia.

December 96

• Dara leaves Sears to sell Time Shares.
• December Letter to Kalen. “Your Dad May have his quirks, but he’ll always be my knight in shining armor and my hero.” Broke a mercury thermometer in bed and slept on it. (19960601 Dara Kalen Letters 02).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1997

• February 7. Dara leaves for work and nearly dies in a collision with a 2-ton truck. X-rays were done at the hospital. Then we find out she was pregnant with Kalen. Dara loses three consecutive days of sleep. Her recollection of the event is that I tried to force her to have an abortion. In her letter of 3/97, she did not recount the incident in this manner.
• Letter to Nageotte later that year states “my marriage disintegrated before my eyes” … “My husband was adamant that I have an abortion” an untrue statement… “My husband …barely acknowledged my pregnancy and remained distant, uninvolved and uncaring even until the baby’s birth.” To say nothing of all the other things that were going on that year. This statement was more than untrue. It was a deliberate misrepresentation of facts. 19981112 Dara Nageotte.DOC
• Altercation in which Dara calls me a perpetrator of domestic violence. Dara leaves with children for about a week. She leaves a Dear John letter that tells me she will take the kids as far away as she can.

March 97

• Letter to Kalen, “I hated my mother for bringing me into a life that didn’t seem to want me.” Employment terminated from RASCB.
• List of positions named “Where I stand.” “Trust – no way, don’t go there, motivation, burnt one too many times. Mother – Hate, motivation, pick anything. Father – apathetic, motivation, poor stupid bastard. Control – maintain at all times, at all costs.” 19970315 Misc Docs.doc

April 97

• Letter to Kalen, Dara writes her version of the incident that happened in February. “I got hit, punched, slammed into many things before meeting your Dad and vowed ‘never again’.”
• Dara takes on a job 40 miles away and a two-hour commute. Kalen goes with her. Kirstin goes into local day care.
• Dara endearingly used the term “jerk” to refer to me. While I objected at first, after a few years it was impossible to change her ways. Dara recalls what effect this had on Kirstin in 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 01.pdf. “While watching Hercules, I called Hades a jerk. You said, ‘No, that’s Daddy.’”

May 97

• Letter to Kalen, “If, for some reason, I don’t make it through the C-section, my death will not be your fault…”
• Dara takes on job at VBH. 19981112 Dara Nageotte.DOC

August 97

• C-Section class. Dara gets hysterical. I lost patience with her. Dara recounts it in a letter on 8/11/97. Dara describes memory loss in 8/27 letter. On 8/31, she goes into a tizzy over Princess Diana’s passing.

September 97

• Kalen is born. Dara has her tubes tied. Kalen goes into the NICU. “Kalen spent four days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Mary Washington Hospital at the time of his birth…” (19981112 Dara Nageotte.DOC) Dara looks like a ghost in the recovery room bed. Dara writes bitterly about my participation.
• Letter to Kalen. Dara states “I promised myself I’d never fall in love with another man.” That included me.

October 97

• Kalen is back in the hospital with meningitis. He comes through after a week.

November 97

• First diagnosis of post-partum depression.
• Kalen goes back into the NICU for viral meningitis. “was hospitalized with Viral Meningitis in November 1997” (19981112 Dara Nageotte.DOC)

December 97

• Dara’s cousin Lara, going to Dartmouth University comes to visit for Christmas.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1998

• “and [Kalen] was rehospitalized in January 1998 with RSV.” (19981112 Dara Nageotte.DOC)

February 98

• Trip to California to Dara’s parent’s house. Dara recounts how badly the house smelled of dog urine. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 01.pdf.

March 98

May 98

• Letter to Kalen. “I think there were two or three nights where I looked at you in the middle of the night when you wanted to nurse that I had to tell myself, ‘you’re a gift from God’ over and over again before I could pick you up out of the bassinet. Being a counselor, I’ve heard of post partum cases where the mother thinks her baby’s a devil and tries to or actually kills the baby. If I didn’t know this, we could’ve had some real trouble…you seemed demonic…”
• Same letter different topic on romantic love “It’s nice to have but I wouldn’t want to build my future on it (and didn’t)…Amy can say I’m in an unhappy marriage but she can’t say that to your Dad. From his viewpoint, he says he’s in a happy marriage.”

October 98 • Close windows and doors in house for cold winter weather. Ammonia level from animal feces rises every day. I tried to clean the house several times. I tried to discuss the situation with Dara. She would not listen. Kalen loses his appetite.

December 98

• 19981221 Kalen Doctor Visit.pdf. Weight 20lbs, Length 31”.
• Gina, the postal delivery person, and Wayne, dressed up as Santa Claus come over for the first time. Dara had been establishing a relationship with this woman during the time that she was becoming increasingly disappointed in our marriage. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 02.pdf
• Shopping story with admission “”I haven’t felt beautiful since December 1994.” 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 02.pdf

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1999

• Commenting to Kirstin on how much white hair she’s getting. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 02.pdf.
• With documents in hand, walk up to and away from Bankruptcy Court in Virginia. Later that month, a check for about $16,000 comes in to cover the costs of Dara’s medical bills and mounting expenses after the 1997 accident.
• Kalen is hospitalized for a week with a "failure to thrive" diagnosis. He's on a feeding tube for a month.

February 99

• Dara decides to visit her parents in California in spite of the extremely hostile relationship they have. I take the cat to the vet, explain the situation. The vet agrees and she administers the pink cocktail.
• Dara hurts her finger. Kirstin asks, “Do we have to go to the hospital or does it just hurt very badly?” Commenting to Kirstin on how much white hair she’s getting. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 02.pdf.

March 99

• 98? Or 99? Dara writes along letter to American Veterinary Medical Association. She called a domestic violence hotline over putting the cat down after all that we had been through. She wanted me to be charged with cruelty to animals. AVMA writes back in September “a family pet belongs to the family and any adult member of the family May exercise the right to decide on the care of the pet.” 19980826 Letter to Vets Assoc 01.tif (I can’t figure out why this all happened in 1998. Kalen would have been less than six months old at the time he was hospitalized.)
• Demonstrating how much I was expected to do around the house, Dara recounts when Kirstin told me to “Do the dishes. Clean the floor.” Commenting to Kirstin on how much white hair she’s getting. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 02.pdf.

May 99

• While I am on a business trip, Dara leaves Kalen in the car and is greeted by a Prince William County Police Officer. Dara freaks. Later, while talking to her on the phone, I could tell something was really wrong. I cut short the trip, spend $800 to fly from Iowa to Virginia, then I spent three weeks on leave from work, taking care of her and the kids.

July 99

• Dara sharing with Kirstin inappropriate advice about selecting men. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 03.pdf

August 99

• Dara leaves for a party in New Paltz, NY, her first time away from the kids for more than 24 hours. Kirstin finds and shows me a suicide note, likely written in May but without a date. I freak and call the cops. Dara takes 10 hours to do a 5 hour trip.

October 99

• Dara tells me about a date rape from her college days in Jacksonville, Florida. I mostly listen in disbelief. When I ask her why she decided to tell me now, she tells me she wanted the statute of limitations to run out before telling me. For all the things that she had told me, now, I really began to wonder how much she had not told me.
• Dara had Kirstin saying negative things about men in general. On one occasion she said, “Mommy, you’re a flower and Daddy’s a thorn.” 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 03.pdf
• Kirstin knew what it meant to be sarcastic, “It’s when Mommy says one thing but means another.” 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 05.pdf

December 99

• Multiple entries in Kirstin sayings log. It seems that Kirstin has the anti-Daddy thing very well down pat. Dara does nothing to curb it. What Dara doesn’t record is how much she was encouraging it. 19970401 Kirstin Sayings 05.pdf